A Letter To You (I’d put your name, but I’m not that brave)

Hi. I miss you, a little. No, actually I kind of miss you more than I intended to. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe you are missing me too. I don’t know what’s going on between us and I don’t know what you are thinking. I wish I did. It would make things a little easier for me. I would know whether to stay or to leave. Because I know it’s my place to go but I still hope you’ll ask me to stay. I’m not sure if this is considered a fall out but this silence is killing me. And what’s worse is not knowing why we stopped speaking in the first place.

Remember when I told you I wasn’t very good with words, especially in real life? Like I didn’t know how to express myself to you because it was just all kinds of nerve wrecking to me. So I thought if I write a letter, it’d be better because at least then, I can get some things off my chest regardless if you read it or not. A part of me hopes you’ll read this, a part of me hopes you won’t. I’ve been spending all of last week wondering what made you stop talking to me. Like, was it something I said or something I did? Or was it just because you are no longer interested? I know feelings change, I get it; but don’t you think it’s only fair that you’d let me know you didn’t want to see me anymore? I’ve been lying in bed every night, wondering what the hell changed and I can’t seem to figure it out. I have come up with so many theories and excuses but I just can’t find the one that seems to justify my quench of curiosity. I cried one night, or two but I don’t want to tell you the details in this letter. Because I’m not sure you deserve to know.

It literally kills me that I feel this way because I never meant to like you this much in the first place, and I never thought that you would just cut me off either. I don’t know what hurts more, not knowing or you leaving. I am just confused as to, why all of a sudden? I keep asking myself the same questions, over and over again and all I can do is replay scenarios in my head and trying to pick up if something had gone wrong. Maybe this is all in my head, but you cannot deny that something has definitely changed in the atmosphere. You say you’re busy with school and work, and I get it. I really do. But how can someone be that busy to not even try? I’ve had my fair share of hearing excuses and I know one when I hear one. Being busy is what people tell other people when they are over them, when they no longer want to see them. So I get it.

I know what you are trying to say. yet, there’s a teeny tiny part of me that hopes I’m wrong. Maybe I’m wrong and you really don’t mean it that way. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am just going insane. Just maybe, I am wrong. But today I saw you. And I’m pretty sure you saw me too. And I was hoping maybe you’d stop me and say “Hi, I’ve missed you” or even, “Hello, how are you?” but you didn’t. You never even said “hey.” We just walked past each other. That really hurt. I literally felt the atoms in my body close up and my heart, physically ached.

My best friend asked if you texted me after and I told her I didn’t check my phone but probably not. I didn’t check my phone because I didn’t want to know. I was trying to give you some time to make a decision. I was hoping that maybe, just maybe you would have texted because you still cared. But you didn’t, and that hurt even more. Are we not going to even say hello anymore? That’s almost like murder. I told my friends that I was out of tears. I lied. I’ve been thinking about this so much and there is so much on my mind that I don’t even remember all that I want to say anymore.

There is so much I want to say in this letter, but I can’t write it all. And this letter has become so disorganized, but that’s okay because that’s how my mind is right now. It’s a jumble of thoughts. A web of questions. I have become so distracted and vulnerable, I can’t even focus on my homework. I would lay down in bed at 12 am and not fall asleep till 3 or 4 in the morning. You asked me if I stayed up so late thinking about you, I lied and said no but the honest answer is oh God, yes. I cannot sleep because the questions haunt me. My eyelids feel heavy and I am physically tired but my brain just won’t stop going. It just keeps running and I am so sick and restless.

Explanation. Closure. Will you ever give me one? If you don’t like me anymore, just tell me. If you have found someone else, just tell me. If you think I’m not good enough, just tell me. But you can’t hold my hands and kiss me and tell me you like me and then leave me there hanging onto nothing. You left me in the state of limbo, but I cannot figure out everything by myself. Were we nothing? I mean, if we were nothing then just tell me. I can take the truth. I hate not knowing. But don’t fool me into thinking that we had something going on, just to cut me off. I told you about my past, but you made sure to repeat it. And that is not fair. I opened up to you. How can you make me open up to you and then leave? I think back on all the things that you said. So were any of it true, or were they just lies? Sweet talking, that was your best trait and I hated it at first but it grew on me but now, I am upset at myself for believing you. I think back on all the compliments you gave, apparently they weren’t real. I just don’t get why you had to choose me of all people.

There are so many other girls out there, if you wanted to play games you could have picked someone else. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t agree to participate. I did not sign up to get injured. But that’s how it always is right? I am mad. And I am sad. And then I am furious. And then I am hurt. I’ve been hurting a lot recently, not that you care but I thought I’d let you know.You really, really, hurt me.

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Catherine is a 20-something BS Nutrition student of the University of the Philippines, but her heart screams for the art. She is a freelance creative and model, an artist and a writer, and an advocate of human rights and the environment.

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