Unsent Letter: To The Guy Who Broke My Heart

To that one guy that I loved truly, madly and dearly. To that guy whom I sacrificed a lot. This one is for you.

I treated you like a King.

I loved you so much and I am continuously doing so. Binigay ko lahat lahat sa’yo. Panahon, tiwala, oras, pagmamahal, pagkalinga. I have been everything you want and need. I made sure that you will open your eyes with a smile, and close them with relief and happiness because I am here and I will do everything for you. Every single time that you need something, I made sure that I will do my all to give it to you. When you’re tired, even if I am equally as tired, I will do my best to relieve your stress. When you’re sick, I made sure that I was there to take care of you. Inalagaan at minahal kita ng buong puso. 

I accepted every bit of you.

Tinanggap kita at ang buong pagkatao mo- mabuti man o masama. You told me you’re a mess and I accepted you wholeheartedly. I tried to fix you, and you said that I did. That I fixed you. But in the manner of fixing you, I wasn’t aware that I am breaking myself already. We had fights, a lot of them. But every time you screamed at me, I tried to understand. During every fight, I tried to look at the good in all of your bad. I fought for you- for us.

You treated me like a Princess.

You showed me that you really do love me. That everything was real. You showed me that I was the only one. You showed me what effort is like. You also sacrificed your time and effort for me. You did everything to make me feel special. You picked me up after my classes every time. You cooked for me. You took care of me when I was sick.

We were the same. The only difference is that, I didn’t lie.

And this what hurts more. Hindi ko lubusang maisip na magagawa mo ‘yon sakin. Hindi ko lubos maisip na kaya mo akong lokohin at pagtaksilan. Hindi ko lubos maisip na kaya mong gawin ang bagay na ‘yon. I forgot that you are an actor. That you are so good with words. Na lahat kaya mong kunin at paniwalain sa mga matatamis mong salita. Na lahat kayang kaya mong paikutin ang mga bagay sa kamay mo gamit ang mga mabubulaklak mong mga salita. You know exactly about my past and you made sure you would do the same.

I was broken. Lost. Wrecked. 

It was so sudden. I was so blindsided, taken by surprise. One day,  you were so sweet. You were telling the whole world that you love me, of how I make your mornings extra better, of how I was your stronghold, your anchor. Then the day after that, you’re claiming that you do not love me anymore. Just the day after you told me you love me and made me feel like everything was fine, you were ripping out my heart and my lungs and you’re telling me that it was for the best.

Of course, I am not fine. I am not even close to being fine. I am far from being all right. Every time I remember every thing that we have been through, all the times you were so sweet to me, all the times you made me feel so valuable, I can’t help but cry. But I realized that I can’t force this to last. I can’t force consistency, loyalty or even honesty. I can’t force you to keep your word and your promises, or to communicate. I can’t force you to realize that something special is right in front of you.

I have been so attached.

Not just to you, but to your family. Your mother treated me like I was her own and I treated her the same way. Your siblings and I were so close. Specially your little sister. I found in her the sister I never had. Sobrang sakit isipin na parang naitapon mo na lang basta lahat lahat ng pinagsamahan natin. Napakalungkot isipin na sa isang iglap, baliwala na lang ako sa’yo. 

I want you to be happy.

Ngunit kahit ganoon ang nangyari, I still want you to be happy. And if it’s not with me, even if how hard it is, that is fine. Because you are the only person I have loved more than enough to put before myself. Seeing you happy, makes me happy, and that is what real love is, right?

And if there is no chance to bring us back together, I hope that we can still be friends.

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Catherine is a 20-something BS Nutrition student of the University of the Philippines, but her heart screams for the art. She is a freelance creative and model, an artist and a writer, and an advocate of human rights and the environment.

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